It can only get better from here.

Wow. It's been crazy, to say the least. I lost my best friend. Which really sucks... but I'm not ready to be over it yet. Funny how living with someone really shows you who a person is - even when you thought you knew that person inside-out. They are gone now. Which is nice. I can walk in to my house without anxiety now. It still doesn't feel like home though.

I just want to move already. Stress levels are rising with every day that passes and my W-2's are not in the mailbox. I need that money. I need it bad.

The only thing I have going right in my life at the moment is love. If it were not for my babe, I don't know where I'd be. With everything else going so horribly sour, I need to know that there is at least one person standing by my side through it all. Most times, I feel like that's all I have.

Downward Spiral

I was bad. Damn. Things will look up soon, right?

Tomorrow is Maddy and Zoe's 6th birthday. We're going to Disneyland. It's going to be so much fun. Spending days with just my family make me happiest. And, well, we'll be at Disneyland... so not much sadness is allowed at the happiest place on earth.

I just wish I could gather up a little self-esteem in a basket. I seem to have lost all of mine, and it's taking a huge toll on my mental health. I'm slipping, fast. Fuck.

It hurts when you realize you really don't have many friends... instead just a whole lot of aquaintances who really just want a higher friend count on facebook. Lame.

Scott and I will be meditating for NYE. Seems like the best way to start a new year. I need big changes in 2010.

I haven't been able to write in a while... we started a new program software at work, and well... it's not going smoothly, and actually forces me to work during the day - even allowing some much needed OT hours. But, it hasn't been good for this old brain of mine.

I also got a car. My grandma's car. It's been nice being able to get around more quickly. I am not a fan of the gas stations still. I can't wait for summer. I'll barely use my car then. Riding the bus is actually more relaxing for me.

Now, for the crazy brain... I have come to realize I have not learned how to be alone. I get super depressed when I'm stuck in these 4 walls. # 3 gets loud when I'm alone.

Rainy day blues

I wish I could blame this sour mood on the weather. Unfortunately, it's the storm I feel brewing on the inside that is at fault. Something is wrong with me. Seriously. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not being good enough. I feel like I am failing everyone I know and love. Fuck. I just want the sun to shine again.

Big decisions

We have to move by March 1st. At first, we were thinking of finding a one bedroom apartment, somewhere still in Los Angeles. I mean, we had considered other cities as well, but I thought we had realized it wouldn't be possible... at least not yet. And now Scott has sent in his info to a new Whole Foods opening in Hawaii! How am I supposed to move to Hawaii? This is a huge change. I mean, I've never even been to Hawaii... and I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I would be moving somewhere completely unfamiliar to me. Let alone moving away from all the friends and family that I have. This is huge. (I'll probably say that a few more times while writing this.) But it is also extremely exciting. I am young, I have a family. I need to think about what is best for all of us. Taking the girls away from their family will be hard. But I know the minute I tell them we are moving to Hawaii they will flip out. They have been begging to live in Hawaii for months now (thank you, Scooby Doo). I've been trying to figure out a way to get the girls further from their father (that is a whole different blog though...), so this could all be a blessing in disguise. I could, also, be getting myself hyped on moving to an island, just to find out that Scott didn't get the job. So do I start looking for places to live in both states until we know for sure? Do I leave myself just one month to find somewhere to live? I am a planner. I am an organizer. I have lists to make and things to do. This is huge. For now, I will be still. I will go where ever the universe sees fit, and I will do that without any questions.

Hyper-aware

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this... but I seem to experience feelings and emotions in a way I have never seen in your "average" human. I feel completely aware of everything around me. Just looking at the clouds passing by can move me to tears simply from the pure beauty of this world we inhabit. I pay attention to what's going on around me, carefully placing each step as to not kill a bug. Typically, this Wendy is only present while amidst the natural world though. God holds my hand at these times. I feel safe and secure here.

When it comes to my own inner thoughts and feelings, I get lost. I have three specific voices I hear on a semi-regular basis. The first is the one I explained above - completely aware, finding beauty in what God has created. Loving the thought of experience in everything. Second is the person who just wants to live a "normal" life - family, house, jobs, mundane. Simplicity. The third is my least favorite. The third causes problems. The third makes me feel like the most horrible, insignificant piece of shit. The third is insecure and needs constant love and affection. More often than not, #3 wins.

I know that third inner voice is not the "real" me. I know I am smart, beautiful, capable. But insecurities arise, and out pours non-sense. I don't know how to stop this from happening. It just completely takes over and I forget how to find my way back to reality. Every other person seems better than me, having more fun and exciting life adventures, while I just sit here, doing nothing.

I'd like to start a war. An inner war. I'd like the good to win.

Escape

Usually there is a lot of craziness that bounces around in this brain of mine. I have found that writing helps with that. If you have been in contact with me in the past year or so, you will have noticed a slight difference in my mood swings (they definitely come more frequently), and I have just a slight inclination to believe this is partly due to holding in so much stress (ha! ya think?). Any way, this is hopefully going to be my new means for an escape from the ramblings of my inner selves.

I invite you to sit back and enjoy... this is going to be an adventure in to the World of Wendy.