I'm not sure if I'm alone in this... but I seem to experience feelings and emotions in a way I have never seen in your "average" human. I feel completely aware of everything around me. Just looking at the clouds passing by can move me to tears simply from the pure beauty of this world we inhabit. I pay attention to what's going on around me, carefully placing each step as to not kill a bug. Typically, this Wendy is only present while amidst the natural world though. God holds my hand at these times. I feel safe and secure here.
When it comes to my own inner thoughts and feelings, I get lost. I have three specific voices I hear on a semi-regular basis. The first is the one I explained above - completely aware, finding beauty in what God has created. Loving the thought of experience in everything. Second is the person who just wants to live a "normal" life - family, house, jobs, mundane. Simplicity. The third is my least favorite. The third causes problems. The third makes me feel like the most horrible, insignificant piece of shit. The third is insecure and needs constant love and affection. More often than not, #3 wins.
I know that third inner voice is not the "real" me. I know I am smart, beautiful, capable. But insecurities arise, and out pours non-sense. I don't know how to stop this from happening. It just completely takes over and I forget how to find my way back to reality. Every other person seems better than me, having more fun and exciting life adventures, while I just sit here, doing nothing.
I'd like to start a war. An inner war. I'd like the good to win.
No comments:
Post a Comment