Downward Spiral

I was bad. Damn. Things will look up soon, right?

Tomorrow is Maddy and Zoe's 6th birthday. We're going to Disneyland. It's going to be so much fun. Spending days with just my family make me happiest. And, well, we'll be at Disneyland... so not much sadness is allowed at the happiest place on earth.

I just wish I could gather up a little self-esteem in a basket. I seem to have lost all of mine, and it's taking a huge toll on my mental health. I'm slipping, fast. Fuck.

It hurts when you realize you really don't have many friends... instead just a whole lot of aquaintances who really just want a higher friend count on facebook. Lame.

Scott and I will be meditating for NYE. Seems like the best way to start a new year. I need big changes in 2010.

I haven't been able to write in a while... we started a new program software at work, and well... it's not going smoothly, and actually forces me to work during the day - even allowing some much needed OT hours. But, it hasn't been good for this old brain of mine.

I also got a car. My grandma's car. It's been nice being able to get around more quickly. I am not a fan of the gas stations still. I can't wait for summer. I'll barely use my car then. Riding the bus is actually more relaxing for me.

Now, for the crazy brain... I have come to realize I have not learned how to be alone. I get super depressed when I'm stuck in these 4 walls. # 3 gets loud when I'm alone.

Rainy day blues

I wish I could blame this sour mood on the weather. Unfortunately, it's the storm I feel brewing on the inside that is at fault. Something is wrong with me. Seriously. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not being good enough. I feel like I am failing everyone I know and love. Fuck. I just want the sun to shine again.