elsewhere

i started another new blog. i write there more for some reason. if you are interested, ask.

numbers

You asked me why I count days...

it's because I make a mental list of all the things wrong with me for all those days that pass.

changes.

the moment we got out of the house on darby, life got better. i miss my best friend. at least, the best friend i thought she was. i don't think we will ever be the same. that hurts my heart more than i can explain.

i'm ready for new changes. new friends. it sucks when you grow up and realize that everyone else isn't growing at the same pace. here's to hoping i can find that out-going wendy i knew in high school... the one who was friends with everyone first, because making friends is what she lived to do. i talked to anyone and everyone i saw. fearless. now i am shy and afraid of rejection.

i'm ready for new changes.

It can only get better from here.

Wow. It's been crazy, to say the least. I lost my best friend. Which really sucks... but I'm not ready to be over it yet. Funny how living with someone really shows you who a person is - even when you thought you knew that person inside-out. They are gone now. Which is nice. I can walk in to my house without anxiety now. It still doesn't feel like home though.

I just want to move already. Stress levels are rising with every day that passes and my W-2's are not in the mailbox. I need that money. I need it bad.

The only thing I have going right in my life at the moment is love. If it were not for my babe, I don't know where I'd be. With everything else going so horribly sour, I need to know that there is at least one person standing by my side through it all. Most times, I feel like that's all I have.

Downward Spiral

I was bad. Damn. Things will look up soon, right?

Tomorrow is Maddy and Zoe's 6th birthday. We're going to Disneyland. It's going to be so much fun. Spending days with just my family make me happiest. And, well, we'll be at Disneyland... so not much sadness is allowed at the happiest place on earth.

I just wish I could gather up a little self-esteem in a basket. I seem to have lost all of mine, and it's taking a huge toll on my mental health. I'm slipping, fast. Fuck.

It hurts when you realize you really don't have many friends... instead just a whole lot of aquaintances who really just want a higher friend count on facebook. Lame.

Scott and I will be meditating for NYE. Seems like the best way to start a new year. I need big changes in 2010.

I haven't been able to write in a while... we started a new program software at work, and well... it's not going smoothly, and actually forces me to work during the day - even allowing some much needed OT hours. But, it hasn't been good for this old brain of mine.

I also got a car. My grandma's car. It's been nice being able to get around more quickly. I am not a fan of the gas stations still. I can't wait for summer. I'll barely use my car then. Riding the bus is actually more relaxing for me.

Now, for the crazy brain... I have come to realize I have not learned how to be alone. I get super depressed when I'm stuck in these 4 walls. # 3 gets loud when I'm alone.

Rainy day blues

I wish I could blame this sour mood on the weather. Unfortunately, it's the storm I feel brewing on the inside that is at fault. Something is wrong with me. Seriously. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not being good enough. I feel like I am failing everyone I know and love. Fuck. I just want the sun to shine again.